Let me share a bit about my walk-in experience.
Prior to my walk-in in 1999, I was under a lot of emotional stress due to many changes in my life that occurred over a relatively short time. My family and I had lived in four houses in three different states in less than five years. My marriage was going under, my son had graduated from high school and left home, my daughter became extremely sick and was hospitalized, and I had lost the leadership positions that I had enjoyed in every church I had attended since my teen years when I became the church organist.
My first husband and I had only twos arguments–ever. The first one occurred three weeks after we were married. He left during our heated “discussion,” and even though he returned once he had processed his feelings, I carried a fear of losing him from then on. I began stuffing my true thoughts, opinions, and feelings from that day forward. Our church taught that wives were to obey their husbands without question, and that is what I did for the next two decades. I lost my sense of self and felt trapped. I believe this is why light language is now so important to me. It allows me to vocalize, dance, move, and write in a manner that does not bring up the past or require me to go into the energy of the emotion I’m clearing. It brings a sense of authenticity to my life. As I coach others, I find many people who have lost their sense of self. Expressing ourselves as we did when we were children is helpful in releasing stifled energy.
The second argument we had was twenty-two years later on December 3, 1999. As an obedient wife, I had never challenged him on any issue prior to that. Yet, for almost a year at that point, I had begun to stand up for myself. I had established a friendship with several women (a first for me) at a three-day retreat that I attended on how to heal from abuse and emotional trauma. I went to see a movie with a girlfriend one Friday night. When I returned about 10 p.m., my husband met me at the top of the garage stairs and wanted to know where I had been. I was puzzled by this because he had known where I was going before I left. We got into an argument, which traumatized me so much that I passed out and fell to the floor. He tried to rouse me and when he could not, he panicked and called the counselor I had been seeing. My daughter, who was sixteen at the time, came running to the bedroom to see what was going on. I could hear her and my husband talking to me and to one another, but I could not speak, nor could I get my body to move or get up. At first, I thought this was an episode of being “slain in the Spirit”—a phenomenon I had experienced in the Pentecostal churches we had attended, but this was different. I felt paralyzed and frightened until I heard a calm, soothing internal voice say, “Relax. This is for your own good. You will understand later.” I felt peace wash over me as I laid there for about ten minutes.
When that dissociative episode ended and I was able to arise, I felt strangely different. I felt empowered! I put on my nightgown and got ready for bed. I was not about to sleep with the man who had triggered such an episode. I would not risk another traumatic event, so I went upstairs and slept in the room that had been my son’s before he moved out on his own. Needless to say, I did not sleep at all that night. Angels constantly ministered to me with a sweet adoring presence that was so tangible it felt like someone was actually touching me or wrapping my body in a warm blanket of love.
The next morning, I packed my bags and left home. I felt so disoriented that I forgot to tell my daughter goodbye. I did not even call my mom or tell anyone where I was going. I did not know where I was going! I ended up at the house of one of the women I had met at the retreat. The next day, I paid for a week’s stay at the Economy Inn. I had some of the most comforting, vivid and lucid dreams that week, which gave me the confidence I needed to start my new life as a single woman.
Even though I still loved them, I felt like I did not know my own children or mother. My daughter started asking what was wrong with me and saying things like, “You are not the same person you used to be—you are so different!” I felt so strange over the next few months, as if I were watching myself do things that I had never had the courage to do before. I was creating all kinds of change. For example, I needed full-time employment with benefits rather than the part-time position I had had when I was married, so I signed up with a temporary agency while I searched for something more permanent. I had played keyboards for hours each day for the thirty years prior, but within a year of my walk-in, I had stopped playing music of any kind.
The members of the church I was attending at the time harshly judged me for leaving my marriage. So, I stopped going to church. However, I had an urge to investigate a particular office park every time I drove past it. I was disappointed to find a church that was meeting in a warehouse in the very back of the complex. I was on auto-pilot and not fully present in any of the decisions I was making, but I knew my guidance wanted me to go to that church. I later understood that my zombie-like condition was normal. The natal soul was observing (and sometimes appalled by) the changes being made by the walk-in soul who was now in charge. I procrastinated in attending that church for several weeks until I was unable to ignore the relentless urging that persisted even when I was not in that area of town. I reluctantly showed up on Easter Sunday in 2000 and met a man there who became my husband ten weeks later. My natal soul would never have made such a hasty decision.
During that time, I kept thinking to myself that I had died and come back to life as another person. I didn’t even believe in reincarnation at the time, so even entertaining that idea was a stretch of my imagination. I had had a near-death experience years before, but the change it created afterward was nothing like the transformation following the episode in my bedroom that December night.
Almost immediately, I noticed that my childhood memories had been swept clean from my mind. Other than some vague snippets of an abusive event with a babysitter when I was about five years old (I repressed the memory of that abuse for thirty-five years), I completely drew a blank when I tried to envision anything about my life as a child. My mom later helped me fill in the blanks of my childhood and slowly more memories came back as I asked questions and looked through family photo albums. On top of that, my nerves were on edge and it took several years for my nervous system to repair itself as I acclimated to the higher frequencies of the walk-in soul. I had terrible pain in my neck, shoulders, and upper back, which felt like I had been stabbed or had some invisible “wings” ripped from my back. I was diagnosed with fibromyalgia. Fortunately, this pain went away within a couple of years.
All these abrupt changes in my behavior made some people think that I was having a nervous breakdown. I was working part-time for a drug and alcohol abuse counselor when my walk-in occurred. When he saw the dissociation episodes I was having, he wanted to put me in a treatment facility. While I would have enjoyed a two-week stay somewhere safe and away from the pressures of everyday life, I knew that if I went into treatment I would carry that record with me the rest of my life. I did not know why I was experiencing such peculiar things, but I absolutely knew I was not mentally ill. Some well-meaning people were actually harming my fragile condition by stressing me out with their expectations that I perform as if nothing had happened. I pulled away from them and started my own self-treatment plan, and simply began to love myself unconditionally through whatever hell or high water I found myself in.
I remembered what I had heard when I was pinned to the floor: You will understand later. My research to discover what was happening to me began after a friend shared her walk-in experience with me, but there was little material on the topic at the time. (It was years later that I read Ruth Montgomery’s book, Strangers Among Us.) Armed with the new information I had, life started to make sense even though this walk-in idea was far removed from what I had believed was possible—especially since I came from a very religious background.
One day, I decided to accept and allow myself to be at peace with the idea that perhaps I was a walk-in. As I owned this as my truth, my emotions calmed down and I accepted the many changes I had created in my new life.
Today, I enjoy helping walk-ins integrate the changes that their mystical experience has created in their lives. I also love coaching people to reclaim their sense of self so they can flourish in all areas.
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